


Unsympathetic

by justkillthetitan



Category: The Last Hours Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Charles-centric, I think not sure, M/M, Post Break Up, charles thinking about alastair, how do human emotions work?, i want him to have somre redemption, sometime after they the finale of the trology, this is not THAT good but it is something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:20:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23939794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justkillthetitan/pseuds/justkillthetitan
Summary: Maybe there was something wrong with him, everyone valued their love for someone else over everything else, even themselves, and yet he couldn't bring himself to be like them.Or Charles sees Alastair for the first time after their breakup.
Relationships: Current Thomas Lightwood/Alastair Carstairs, Post Alastair Carstair/Charles Fairchild
Comments: 2
Kudos: 79





	Unsympathetic

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me for writing this! I just really want Charles to have some redemption because I feel like TLH should be the trilogy for redemption for everyone aka Alastair, Charles, and Grace.
> 
> Inspired by this [this post in tumblr](https://olliee-walsh.tumblr.com/post/612798246127091712/i-want-this-alastair-thomas-charles-scene-to) and [my own post](https://justkillthetitan.tumblr.com/post/612710903176216576/charles-and-grace),of course it spired into something completely different. So sorry for taking a month to finish and publish this.
> 
> Btw, English isn't my first language and with the quarantine my English is getting pretty rusty. So sorry for all the grammar and spelling errors.

Charles was well aware that the pain whirling around his stomach was created by the mixture of shock and sadness that the current scene provoked him. And as he leaned back to have his back pressed against the cold stone of the ballroom’s wall, subconsciously trying to find something to hold himself with, he was mildly aware of the look of pure shock that his small brother sent his way, not accustomed to seeing his older brother in such state.

When Charles had showed up to Cordelia’s and James’ second engagement party, he had never thought that the  _ this  _ sight was going to make him feel such feelings in his life. Sure he had thought about what it would be like to encounter Alastair Carstair, his former lover and friend, after their rupture months ago. They hadn’t cross paths in more than a couple occasions in those first weeks of heartbrokenness and the awkwardness of even given the other a secret look. Then it looked like they had part ways completely after Alastair’s father came to London, they hadn't seen each other in months. 

But Charles hadn’t wanted to embarrassed himself at the sight of his ex-lover, and so he had given himself a well needed self-talk full of the self-reassurance that he could only give himself due to his situation, the one where no one knew he preferred to kiss a man rather than woman, and a man-up talk to give himself some sort of braveness at the sight of his ex-lover.

And even then, the sight of Alastair Carstairs, handsome and beautiful Alastair Carstairs, had taken his breath away. Even after the rupture and the months of distance, Alastair was still capable of stir something inside his heart, even without even looking at his direction. 

Charles knew that his brother and friends thought of him as a man of no emotions besides those that were negatively associated with that of a villain in a story, but Charles was self-aware of the emotions and feelings that he felt. Sadness, fear, love. 

Love was more conflicting than the others, not because he was incapable of love, but because his way to value love was not the kind that most people tend to agree with. He could feel love, that he knew of, he had been in love with Alastair at some degree. He knew he had because of the pain he had felt after, curiously enough, James's first engagement party had been enough to pierced his heart and make him miserable for weeks. He had cried for Alastair and mourn their lost relationship in his own way, at his degree, at his own time. 

For weeks the only thing that he could feel besides the excruciating pain of a broken heart was the hatred that he could only feel for himself. Pain should be avoided, but Charles found that pain was also good to settle things for himself. After their break-up, Charles had let the pain rule his brain and thoughts, sending him into a spiral of doubt and an analysis of all the things that he could had done better to prevent such pain.

It was easy to see the only way that their rupture could had been predicted, and many would call him stupid and heartless for not choosing it, but even after Charles analyzed and repeated that night on his head, he would never change his decisions. A lover or a career, what was more important to him? 

Maybe there was something wrong with him, everyone valued their love for someone else over everything else, even themselves, and yet he couldn't bring himself to be like them. Love? He felt it, but his happiness and fulfillment had lied somewhere else where the wants of Alastair couldn’t follow, and had Charles choose to do as his ex-lover pleased, he would be miserable. Charles had wanted to keep his relationship and his career, but when he had to choose one, he couldn’t choose Alastair.

There must be something wrong with him, he thought, there must be something really messed up with him. 

“Are you okay?” Matthew asked him.

For weeks he had fooled himself into believing that their break up was not really a break up, but an argument that will later be resolved during one of their clandestine night meetings. Sadly, it didn't happen. Charles had been truly lost.

When Charles had looked at Alastair and noticed his black hair some weeks later,  _ truly _ noticed it, Charles wondered if he had missed something. Maybe he had missed more than one thing, maybe Charles hadn’t been the person Alastair needed, but Alastair had been the person that Charles needed.

With time, Charles had stop thinking about the  _ maybes _ , and had start accepting that those were never there. Charles had not been what Alastair needed, not the lover who would ultimately choose him over everything, not the person to give him unconditional love and seek to fulfill his needs. He had not been good to Alastair, Charles came to accept, and once the bitterness of such thing faded to nothing but a needle that pricked him every now and then, Charles felt a relief to have parted ways. Different needs, different wants, could they have found common ground to settle?

Maybe so, but Charles had felt that there was no way to found common ground back then. He had been too reluctant and in denial to do so, he had never let himself hope for such thing.

His heart still ached, not as hard as it had a few months ago, but ached nonetheless. But, even with his heart still a little broken, Charles could still look back and be happy about their moments and appreciate the little things. He could appreciate their kisses and their embraces, their found experiences in each other, and looking at Alastair in the hands of someone else didn’t do much but to make his heart ached a little, and stirr something else in him…  _ hope _ . Not for a second opportunity, Charles had lost his one opportunity to Thomas Lightwood, but Alastair gave him hope.

Alastair, who had been cruel in his academy years, who had spread lies about Charles's family, who had felt terrible about the things he said, who owned up to his mistakes, and who could now strike a friendly conversation with Matthew and James and Christopher. 

Alastair represented his hope of redemption, his hope of forgiveness to all the people he has hurt. To Matthew, for not being the big brother he should had been. To Ariadne, for ending their engagement knowing what could happened to her reputation. To Alastair, for not being the lover Alastair needed him to be. Step by step, rock by rock.

He waved his hand dismissively at Matthew as he pushed himself away from the wall. 

“I am fine, just felt nauseous for a second,” Charles said, “want to go for a walk?”


End file.
